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For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Married
Hold
Sakes
Head
Toilet
Woman
Toilets
Made
Threw
Years
Bowl
Love
Bowls
Sake

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When I naturally write a story and I feel that the guy is sitting across the table from the girl and flirting with her... I think, 'God, that can't be me' because I'm just too old for that part. You need a 30-year-old or a 35-year-old for that part. And so I've given myself less and less roles.
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God, you Jews are truly exotic. Exotic? She should only know the Greenblatts. Or Mr. and Mrs. Milton Sharpstein, my father's friends. Or for that matter, my cousin Tovah. Exotic? I mean, they're nice, but hardly exotic with their endless bickering over the best way to combat indigestion or how far back to sit from the television set.
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I can't even make a leap of faith to believe in my own existence.
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Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?
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A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
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Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.
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When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.
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If you aren't failing every now and then, you're probably playing it too safe.
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The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
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All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.
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People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you're so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.
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Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
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Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.
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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it!
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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
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Love may be the answer, but even though you're watching for the solution, intercourse raises some rather interesting thoughts.
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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
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