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I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Collecting
Security
Hell
Social
Years

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Fantasy is only a state of mind that you can employ when existing in a real context.
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It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
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Years ago I was on television having a discussion with Billy Graham about atheism. He was saying, even if you're right and I'm wrong, and there's nothing after, I will have had a better life than you, because I do believe there was something. And I couldn't argue with that, even though I wanted to.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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I'm a terrible musician. While the band members are great, I'm tolerated and affectionately regarded because I do movies, but if I had to make my living as a musician I would starve. I'm like a Sunday tennis player.
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I'm not a big believer in the sense of Jews having a monopoly on comedy.
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When I am in New York, I want to be in Europe, and when I am in Europe, I want to be in New York.
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I don't rely on anybody except my own judgment. I don't get much input. I don't know if that's helped me or if I would be better off if I did rely on someone.
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One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.
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In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.
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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
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I've never dated a fictional character before. The closest I ever came was an Italian.
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Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards.
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I do feel it's important to have some kind of faith in something, but [it is] impossible for many of us. I personally don't have any faith in anything, but it's great if you can.
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The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
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Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please.
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God is either cruel or incompetent.
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For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.
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When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?
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No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.
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