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I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Collecting
Security
Hell
Social
Years

More quotes by Woody Allen

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Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
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The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
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After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.
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I think it's my job or the artist's job, to try and find some solution or some reason to accept things. But given the grimmest reality, I feel the grimmest facts are the real facts, the true facts: that you're born, you die, you suffer, it's to no purpose, and you're gone forever, ever, ever, and that's it.
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Let's say there was a burning building and you could rush in and you could save only one thing: either the last known copy of Shakespeare's plays or some anonymous human being. What would you do?
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Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
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Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.
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See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.
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My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
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A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
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It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.
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I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.
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I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.
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There will be no major solution to the suffering of humanity until we reach some understanding of who we are, what the purpose of creation was, what happens after death. Until those questions are resolved we are caught.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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Film is more of novelty, because I've done so much theater over many years. I'm in love with making movies. Also, I find it easier to remember three minutes of dialogue than three hours.
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Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.
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Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.
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Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen