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I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Collecting
Security
Hell
Social
Years

More quotes by Woody Allen

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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
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Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety
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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
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I don't fear death. - I just don't want to be around when it happens.
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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
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Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
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To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
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I write about what I want to write about, and so the film comes out as a very personal expression even if its subject matter is totally prefabricated.
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I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public quite brilliantly.
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In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.
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Relationships are really what interest me the most. And I think, in the end, they interest most people the most. Even when you read Tolstoy or something, basically they're about man and woman relationships.
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My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.
Woody Allen
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The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
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When I started out, I was a television writer, and we wrote a television show that was on live every week. And you didn't have the luxury of coming in and waiting to be inspired. You came in and you had to write. And you wrote, because it was going to be live on the air. So I can do that.
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My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
Woody Allen
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We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses.
Woody Allen
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With films, I just scribble a couple of notes for a scene. You don't have to do any writing at all, you just have your notes for the scene, which are written with the actors and the camera in mind. The actual script is a necessity for casting and budgeting, but the end product often doesn't bear much resemblance to the script--at least in my case.
Woody Allen
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Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?
Woody Allen
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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Woody Allen