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I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Collecting
Security
Hell
Social
Years

More quotes by Woody Allen

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I think, on both sides of the camera or the novel: Distraction. I'm obsessed with: Can I get this actress or my third act to work? I'm distracted. I'm interested in that so I don't sit home and think, Gee, life is meaningless. We're all going to die. The universe is pulling apart at breakneck speed.
Woody Allen
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Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.
Woody Allen
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Someday the lion is going to lie down with the lamb, but the lamb isn't going to get much sleep.
Woody Allen
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I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Woody Allen
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I never wanted to or expected to make a film outside of New York. New York became very, very expensive. The same $18 million spent in Barcelona or Rome goes much further there.
Woody Allen
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It's easier to direct. If you direct something poorly and re-shoot it the next day, stage it better, make it work better, you have a lot of possibilities. You can edit it in certain ways so that it works, but there's no getting around weaknesses of the script.
Woody Allen
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What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?
Woody Allen
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Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.
Woody Allen
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Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.
Woody Allen
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I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen
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I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot
Woody Allen
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The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
Woody Allen
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I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
Woody Allen
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I never knew what Amazon was. I've never seen any of those series, even on cable. I've never seen The Sopranos, or Mad Men. I'm out every night and when I come home, I watch the end of the baseball or basketball game, and there's Charlie Rose and I go to sleep.
Woody Allen
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I don't mind dying... as long as I don't have to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
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History is the same thing over and over again.
Woody Allen
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My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
Woody Allen
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More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen
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I believe in sex and death- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
Woody Allen
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I don't why whatever works and whatever doesn't. You just make the film that you enjoy making at the time, and you think there's a good chance that people might enjoy the story. You're surprised pleasantly when they do. It's just luck.
Woody Allen