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I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not.
Woody Allen
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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
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More quotes by Woody Allen
You can be distracted by your love life, by the baseball game, movies, by the nonsense. Can I get my kid into this private school? Can I get this girl to go out with me Saturday night? Am I going to get the promotion in my office? All this stuff, but in the end the universe burns out. So I think it's completely meaningless.
Woody Allen
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Woody Allen
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.
Woody Allen
Subjectivity is objective.
Woody Allen
Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.
Woody Allen
We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.
Woody Allen
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!
Woody Allen
Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
Woody Allen
Yes, but the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, 'Everybody up, it's morning,' it's very hard to find your slippers.
Woody Allen
Those who can't do, teach!
Woody Allen
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen
Not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.
Woody Allen
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.
Woody Allen
I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.
Woody Allen
For me personally - because I do it myself - the scoring of a picture is fun. I edit the picture and when I've finished I go into my room and I have many many records - jazz, classical and popular music. And I have this all at my disposal. I don't have to get a composer.
Woody Allen
In order to be successful, all you've got to do is show up 80 percent of the time.
Woody Allen
[An audience conditioned by a lifetime of television-watching is so corrupted that] their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
Woody Allen
Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.
Woody Allen