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I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. ­

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
First
Marriages
Previous
Luck
Second
Wife
Left
Two
Firsts

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What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
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My grandfather had a wonderful funeral... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.
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There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.
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Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
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I'm in show business. I'm not like a poor factory worker who'd been laid off.
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I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.
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Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling.
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I am two with nature.
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Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers.
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It has become harder and harder in the United States to make films unhampered by outside influences. I've always been able to steer clear of that and keep the business people out of my hair completely.
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It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?
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The whole thrust of science and the medical profession is to try and prevent it from happening, to try to prolong life, to keep you from dying, to keep you from getting older, to rejuvenate you. I mean, that's everybody's wish. The fountain of youth is everybody's sought-after thing.
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Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could not blink my eyes in unison. — If The Impressionists Had Been Dentists
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I always felt that the problems of the world would never ever be solved until people came to terms with the deeper issues [spiritual] - that there would be an aimless reshuffling of world leaders and governments and programs.
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One of the wonderful things about making a film of any genre is that you have dialogue. You can take up a position. If you want to say something about your position, you can just say it. You don't have to spend massive amounts of screen time.
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As the author you know how you want it to appear on screen and it's always the content dictating the form.
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I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
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Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards.
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Comedians have a tendency to have a limited range, they tend to do one thing and do it very well, but it's limited.
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Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.
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