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Your audience teaches you how to be funny.
Woody Allen
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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Teaches
Teach
Audience
Funny
More quotes by Woody Allen
The dictatorship is shut up, democracy is always concerned.
Woody Allen
Ninety percent of life is just showing up.
Woody Allen
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
Woody Allen
What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?
Woody Allen
Humorists always sit at the children's table.
Woody Allen
I was raised in a religious home. It was unreasonable enforced religion that turned me off it. It was a joyless, unpleasant, stupid, barbaric thing when I was a child and I've never gotten over that feeling. If you're talking about religion it's one thing I don't hold Jewish religion with any more seriousness than I would any other.
Woody Allen
The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.
Woody Allen
I wish I was writing something much more heavy each time I did a film, and that the comedies just occasionally come out. But unfortunately you're stuck with what you're born with.
Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.
Woody Allen
When I'm not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.
Woody Allen
[...] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day.
Woody Allen
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Woody Allen
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Woody Allen
I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen
My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.
Woody Allen
I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you.
Woody Allen
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.
Woody Allen
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen
I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!
Woody Allen
