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My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Never
Grammy
Raped
Gifts
Busy
Gave
Getting

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The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.
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Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.
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Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
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Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious contribution.
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I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
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My grandfather had a wonderful funeral... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.
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When I naturally write a story and I feel that the guy is sitting across the table from the girl and flirting with her... I think, 'God, that can't be me' because I'm just too old for that part. You need a 30-year-old or a 35-year-old for that part. And so I've given myself less and less roles.
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When you make the film, there's a big difference between when you're in your own home at the typewriter, and when you're standing on a mountain, or on a street corner, and buses are coming by-it's a different reality. You make a million changes that were never in the script, but that reality dictates.
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When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
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It has become harder and harder in the United States to make films unhampered by outside influences. I've always been able to steer clear of that and keep the business people out of my hair completely.
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I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
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I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. ­
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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.
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After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.
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A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates.
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I was a smart kid and I was not understood by my parents.
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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.
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It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.
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