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My gift was in comedy. I found out I could make jokes. I could tell jokes. I could write them. So over the years, that's what I've done.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Comedy
Write
Tell
Found
Done
Writing
Years
Jokes
Make
Gift

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If you're not failing, you're not trying anything.
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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You're a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent.
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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You can be distracted by your love life, by the baseball game, movies, by the nonsense. Can I get my kid into this private school? Can I get this girl to go out with me Saturday night? Am I going to get the promotion in my office? All this stuff, but in the end the universe burns out. So I think it's completely meaningless.
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There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
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I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.
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Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
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I never considered myself an artist. I aspire to be an artist, but I never thought I had the depth or substance or gift to be an artist. I do think I have some talent, but it doesn't go as far as being an artist.
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To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
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A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
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I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
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In the shower, with the hot water coming down, you've left the real world behind, and very frequently things open up for you. It's the change of venue, the unblocking the attempt to force the ideas that's crippling you when you're trying to write.
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It's funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it's a contradiction.
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I can make films. And some of them come out good, and some of them come out better, and some of them come out worse. But I've been very lucky over the years to be able to sustain the length of career that I've had.
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The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?
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Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
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Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?
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Do I believe in God? I did until Mother's accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.
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If I had my life to live over, I wish I could be a great pianist or something.
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