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This stuff tastes awful I could have made a fortune selling it in my health-food store.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Fortune
Taste
Health
Tastes
Food
Culinary
Stuff
Store
Made
Stores
Selling
Awful

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You can't ride two horses with one behind.
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I always feel, I guess being a product of the movies of the 40s where movies were the greatest things and screens were big and palaces were palaces and stars were larger than life that reality was so much inferior to what we felt was conceivably possible from what we had seen in the movies.
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Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.
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There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.
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When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a Great Dane.
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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?
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My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.
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When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
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I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don't care about the films. I don't care if they're flushed down the toilet after I die.
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Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.
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Every time you make a movie it's a new and different experience. You learn very little from the past. So, I'm a little bit better than I was when I first started.
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Writing is great because in the writing you never have to... First of all you never have to leave your home. And you never have to meet the test of reality when you're writing.
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Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.
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I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
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Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
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How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can-opener works.
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If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
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I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?
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