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[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Violent
Universe
Unimaginably
Haphazard
Neutral
Morally

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The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?
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In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.
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You always think another time would have been ideal for you . . . the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.
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I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.
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I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
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Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes.
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A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
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The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
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Showing up is 80 percent of life.
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Show business is dog eat dog. It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
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Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
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I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should stay married for life, like pigeons and Catholics.
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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
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. . . they confuse everything I do with my life.
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I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
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I didn't know he was dead I thought he was British.
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