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A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Self
Never
Automobile
Hits
Forests
Driving
Defense
Except
Tree

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It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.
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I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things-or who doesn't win them-you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
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Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
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If you're not failing, you're not trying anything.
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Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
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My father owned a small piece of land. He carried it with him wherever he went.
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It figures you've got to hate yourself if you've got any integrity at all.
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Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
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There will be no major solution to the suffering of humanity until we reach some understanding of who we are, what the purpose of creation was, what happens after death. Until those questions are resolved we are caught.
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I've always believed that thoughtful people don't really take the tabloids seriously. They're basically a form of entertainment. I enjoy them as much as the next New Yorker.
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I've always been interested in being in other people's movies. I never get any offers.
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I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
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I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
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The history of the world is like: He kills me, I kill him, only with different cosmetics and different castings. So in 2001, some fanatics killed some Americans, and now some Americans are killing some Iraqis. And in my childhood, some Nazis killed Jews. And now, some Jewish people and some Palestinians are killing each other.
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The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it!
Woody Allen
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I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen
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Those who can't do, teach!
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I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.
Woody Allen
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Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.
Woody Allen