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One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Compassion
Men
Starving
Puts
Evening

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The less I speak to the actors, the better. And I always hire great people, and I don't want to impose my pre-conceived notions on them. They know how to play it.
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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
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No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck.
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I think that the tendency for most people is to fall back on a comic interpretation of things because things are so sad, so terrible. If you didn't laugh you'd kill yourself. But the truth of the matter is that existence in general is very very tragic, very very sad, very brutal and very unhappy.
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The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
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I know what I think but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you.
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The process of making films is so technically demanding that it's a distraction. You don't spend your time thinking about the philosophical content, which is often very depressing.
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I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
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If the [actors] are working, and I have a dinner engagement, I don't do 20 takes. I do five takes and go home. I want to go to dinner.
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Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
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I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.
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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
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Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.
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In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.
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Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.
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