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I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
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Firsts
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Something
Parents
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Approved

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When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.
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And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
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It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.
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Do I believe in God? I did until Mother's accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.
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Men would make love with any number of women ... even total strangers, while females were selective. They were catering to the demands of one small egg. While males had millions of frantic sperms screaming: Let us out, let us out!.
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The whole thrust of science and the medical profession is to try and prevent it from happening, to try to prolong life, to keep you from dying, to keep you from getting older, to rejuvenate you. I mean, that's everybody's wish. The fountain of youth is everybody's sought-after thing.
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
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I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.
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Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.
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I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.
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Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.
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I love baseball. You know, it doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just very beautiful to watch.
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People ask me whether I think that one day I might wake up one morning and run dry, but I've had the opposite feeling - that I would die before I had time to write all the ideas in my drawer.
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I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious undertones. There are some ideas that are more frivolous to me. The next idea that could occur to me could be comedy about death and famine or something.
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My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.
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Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
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You can't ride two horses with one behind.
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Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name
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My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.
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[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.
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