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Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Funny
Ends
Long
Really
Hilarious
Near
Eternity
Especially

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My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
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Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?
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To me nature is... spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating... It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.
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If you pursue the other woman, it's a losing situation and it's not good for your relationship or your marriage. If your marriage is open and you're allowed to, that's no good either. There's no way, really in the end, to be happy unless you get very lucky.
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The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it!
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I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.
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Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
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I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
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I said this to my daughter, if you don't practice the guitar, when you get older you wouldn't be able to play it. It's that simple. If you want to play the guitar, you put a half hour in everyday, but you have to do it.
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I see no advantages in aging whatsoever. You become shriveled. You become decrepit. You lose your faculties. Your peer group passes away. You sit in a room gumming your porridge. I don't see any advantage in this whatsoever.
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If I had my choice in life I would have had the gifts of Tennessee Williams or Eugene O'Neill. Unfortunately my gifts lie in comedy and so comedy comes fairly easy to me and I occasionally have an idea for a very serious piece and I do it, but the ideas don't come that readily to me.
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I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. ­
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
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... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!
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My grandfather had a wonderful funeral... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.
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My Lord, my Lord! What hath Thou done lately?
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I think, on both sides of the camera or the novel: Distraction. I'm obsessed with: Can I get this actress or my third act to work? I'm distracted. I'm interested in that so I don't sit home and think, Gee, life is meaningless. We're all going to die. The universe is pulling apart at breakneck speed.
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What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
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Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers.
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My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.
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