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Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Love
Infamy
Masturbation
Palms
Knock
Humorous
Sex
Movie
Someone

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I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.
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Do I believe in God? I did until Mother's accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.
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Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.
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Every time you make a movie it's a new and different experience. You learn very little from the past. So, I'm a little bit better than I was when I first started.
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The process of making films is so technically demanding that it's a distraction. You don't spend your time thinking about the philosophical content, which is often very depressing.
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I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
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I always write the same way. I always write with a yellow pad and a ballpoint pen on my bed. And then I go and type it up afterwards. I've always done that. Those things become habitual.
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Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.
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He's a politician. That's a notch below child molester.
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How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can-opener works.
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My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
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Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
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It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.
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In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.
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If I had my choice in life I would have had the gifts of Tennessee Williams or Eugene O'Neill. Unfortunately my gifts lie in comedy and so comedy comes fairly easy to me and I occasionally have an idea for a very serious piece and I do it, but the ideas don't come that readily to me.
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When you travel around the country, you see what a tough town New York is: rude, competitive, a town where good, logical ideas are ignored in favor of unworkable ones. And yet, all these other towns are so dead and boring compared to New York.
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Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
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If I could change the structure of existence I would do it. I could see a better way to live for everybody.
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What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
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A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates.
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