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You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Control
Masturbation
Doesn
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Art
Experts
Two
Perfectly
Life
Absolutes
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Areas
Wind

More quotes by Woody Allen

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I foresee death by culture shock.
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I think, on both sides of the camera or the novel: Distraction. I'm obsessed with: Can I get this actress or my third act to work? I'm distracted. I'm interested in that so I don't sit home and think, Gee, life is meaningless. We're all going to die. The universe is pulling apart at breakneck speed.
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I don't think my film style has changed. I'm doing the same kind of jokes I did when I was younger.
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I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.
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A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
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I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
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I don't want to be immortal through my works. I want to be immortal by not dying.
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Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.
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Years ago I was on television having a discussion with Billy Graham about atheism. He was saying, even if you're right and I'm wrong, and there's nothing after, I will have had a better life than you, because I do believe there was something. And I couldn't argue with that, even though I wanted to.
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If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
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Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.
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In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.
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Life's hard, then you die.
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There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Woody Allen
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I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK)
Woody Allen
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Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.
Woody Allen
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What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now.
Woody Allen
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Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.
Woody Allen
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I've been lucky because my films have consistently made a profit, almost all of them have made a profit. Never a huge profit, but nobody gets hurt. And therefore I get a lot of freedom.
Woody Allen
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Raised by two mothers...wow, most of us barely survive one
Woody Allen