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But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Politics
Masturbation
Excessive
Entry
Link
Links
Discovered

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A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.
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My Lord, my Lord! What hath Thou done lately?
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The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.
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Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
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I've always believed that thoughtful people don't really take the tabloids seriously. They're basically a form of entertainment. I enjoy them as much as the next New Yorker.
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For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
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Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...
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When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers.
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Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?
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A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.
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I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.
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Let's say there was a burning building and you could rush in and you could save only one thing: either the last known copy of Shakespeare's plays or some anonymous human being. What would you do?
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When I naturally write a story and I feel that the guy is sitting across the table from the girl and flirting with her... I think, 'God, that can't be me' because I'm just too old for that part. You need a 30-year-old or a 35-year-old for that part. And so I've given myself less and less roles.
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I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen
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What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?
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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
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If I had my choice in life I would have had the gifts of Tennessee Williams or Eugene O'Neill. Unfortunately my gifts lie in comedy and so comedy comes fairly easy to me and I occasionally have an idea for a very serious piece and I do it, but the ideas don't come that readily to me.
Woody Allen