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You always think another time would have been ideal for you . . . the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Time
Dentist
Think
Ideal
Thinking
Ideals
Went
Another
Reality
Always
Would

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In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and you may laugh at them and get a certain amount of enjoyment. But when you're asleep at night, and you wake up at 3 in the morning, and you're alone in your bed, you know who's really funny.
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Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name
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If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.
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They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.
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I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman.
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You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting.
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Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
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Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do.
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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
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American films, it's a money-making industry. And in France, you can find great respect for cinema as art.
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With me it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything.
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Life is for the living.
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Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.
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My brain? It's my second favorite organ!
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My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.
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We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.
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The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term demonstration. If a person demonstrates privately in his own home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely acting silly or behaving like an ass.
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A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
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Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
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