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Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Shoot
Air
Standing
Never

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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
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If you're born with a gift, to behave like it's an achievement is not right.
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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The French make two mistakes about me. They think I'm an intellectual because I wear these glasses and they think I'm an artist because my films lose money.
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In the event of war, I'm a hostage.
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I said this to my daughter, if you don't practice the guitar, when you get older you wouldn't be able to play it. It's that simple. If you want to play the guitar, you put a half hour in everyday, but you have to do it.
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Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could not blink my eyes in unison. — If The Impressionists Had Been Dentists
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I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
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I don't get depressed I grow a tumor instead.
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
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Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?
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Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
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And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
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he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something
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[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.
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Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.
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