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Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Beowulf
Advice
Class
Read
School
Take

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A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.
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You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
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People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me--it's an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We're one.
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What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
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I learned a few things on my own since, and modified some of the things he taught me, but everything, unequivocally, that I learned about comedy writing I learned from Danny Simon.
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You look up after many years and you find that a film has become a classic because it's meaningful to people and alive, decade after decade.
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My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
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The artist can't give you an answer that's satisfying to the dreadful reality of your existence. So the best you can do is maybe entertain people and refresh them for an hour-and-a-half.
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I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.
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I never start editing a film until it's completely shot I don't edit along the way, ever. When it's finished I come in here [screening room] and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we're finished.
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There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.
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This stuff tastes awful I could have made a fortune selling it in my health-food store.
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Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.
Woody Allen
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I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.
Woody Allen
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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen
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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen
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In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
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Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.
Woody Allen