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I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Two
Spirits
Martinis
Body
Tolerate
Drinker
Years
Witty
Martini
Really
Humorous
Elevator
Tried
Drinkers
Humor
Elevators
Funny
Cuba
Spirit
Jack

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Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
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I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using 'hermeneutics,' when they meant 'heuristic'.
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Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.
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Sex on Twitter can't hurt you - unless you fall off.
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Take the money and run.
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I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
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My father owned a small piece of land. He carried it with him wherever he went.
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I am plagued by doubts.
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I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, [and] receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.
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When you make the film, there's a big difference between when you're in your own home at the typewriter, and when you're standing on a mountain, or on a street corner, and buses are coming by-it's a different reality. You make a million changes that were never in the script, but that reality dictates.
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Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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I think, on both sides of the camera or the novel: Distraction. I'm obsessed with: Can I get this actress or my third act to work? I'm distracted. I'm interested in that so I don't sit home and think, Gee, life is meaningless. We're all going to die. The universe is pulling apart at breakneck speed.
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I never knew what Amazon was. I've never seen any of those series, even on cable. I've never seen The Sopranos, or Mad Men. I'm out every night and when I come home, I watch the end of the baseball or basketball game, and there's Charlie Rose and I go to sleep.
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Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!
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I've always been interested in being in other people's movies. I never get any offers.
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Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
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