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I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Enough
Witty
Humorous
Ugly
Succeed
Short

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I've inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father's hypochondria and lack of concentration. I have his amorality. I have everything bad that he had. Then I have my mother's surly, pill-like, complaining, whining attitude.
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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
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What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.
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I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.
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Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
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Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?
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[...] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day.
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There have been times when I've thought about it - but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.
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Usually, you hire people that you think are wonderful.
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There is dignity in suffering nobility in pain but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!
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People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it.
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Comedians have a tendency to have a limited range, they tend to do one thing and do it very well, but it's limited.
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What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
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In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald.
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There will be no major solution to the suffering of humanity until we reach some understanding of who we are, what the purpose of creation was, what happens after death. Until those questions are resolved we are caught.
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