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I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Woody Allen
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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
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Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
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The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
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Witty
Never
Humorous
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Allow
Altruism
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Cynicism
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More quotes by Woody Allen
Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.
Woody Allen
I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.
Woody Allen
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen
If the [actors] are working, and I have a dinner engagement, I don't do 20 takes. I do five takes and go home. I want to go to dinner.
Woody Allen
Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.
Woody Allen
I can't minimize the terror factor. As you get older you get more and more frightened because the terrible indignities of old age become closer to you.
Woody Allen
Drama, it would be as if you wrote some poetry. You'd run the risk of being embarrassed if people read it, because you're pouring your heart out and you're not mitigating it with any humor or anything.
Woody Allen
People make films for different reasons. For money. Or, they make them because something in them demands artistic expression. I do it because I enjoy the work.
Woody Allen
In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and you may laugh at them and get a certain amount of enjoyment. But when you're asleep at night, and you wake up at 3 in the morning, and you're alone in your bed, you know who's really funny.
Woody Allen
A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Woody Allen
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Woody Allen
Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.
Woody Allen
Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
Woody Allen
This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't.
Woody Allen
I cannot say for certain that God does not exist I think the worst thing that can be said about him is that he's a bit of an underachiever.
Woody Allen
Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
Woody Allen
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.
Woody Allen
