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Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Stopped
Exactly
Sleep
April
Year
Hitler
Remember
Sleeping
Come
Date
Years
Honey
Birthday

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I've always had an easy time directing actors because I always hire ones that are great before I get my hands on them.
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Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it.
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Not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.
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. . . they confuse everything I do with my life.
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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.
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I always write the same way. I always write with a yellow pad and a ballpoint pen on my bed. And then I go and type it up afterwards. I've always done that. Those things become habitual.
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There is no justice, there is no rational structure to it [life]. That is just the way it is, and each person figures out some way to cope.
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Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?
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I don't like to reminisce much, and my walls don't have photographs of me and the actors I was with, or any of that stuff... I try and keep that disciplined, and just work. There are so many traps you can get into, and looking back on your own work is certainly one of them.
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I can't express anger. I grow a tumor instead.
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I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.
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I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
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This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't.
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The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
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I believe in sex and death- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
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Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.
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My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
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I can't minimize the terror factor. As you get older you get more and more frightened because the terrible indignities of old age become closer to you.
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Let's say there was no terrorism whatsoever and we were all very nice to one another and we were all kind, we still would be faced with an extremely cruel and hostile universe and existence and so I'm a great pessimist and I feel that it's impossible really to be happy, and that the best you can hope for is to be distracted.
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