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Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Cooks
Bother
Dinner
Dinners
Suck
Bothers
Frozen
Cook

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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
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In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.
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I've inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father's hypochondria and lack of concentration. I have his amorality. I have everything bad that he had. Then I have my mother's surly, pill-like, complaining, whining attitude.
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Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.
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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
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I think [aging] has nothing to recommend it. You don't gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you'd trade all of that for being 35 again.
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My Lord, my Lord! What hath Thou done lately?
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There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.
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To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
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But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.
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Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.
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One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.
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[An audience conditioned by a lifetime of television-watching is so corrupted that] their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
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I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious undertones. There are some ideas that are more frivolous to me. The next idea that could occur to me could be comedy about death and famine or something.
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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
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I usually want to crawl into the ground after I make a film, almost invariably.
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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
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Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
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