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I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Bear
Thinking
Bears
Parents
Humor
Parent
Crib
Teddy
Funny
Parenting
Live
Liked
Think

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If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It's not like homework. You don't have to work at the relationship.
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Film is more of novelty, because I've done so much theater over many years. I'm in love with making movies. Also, I find it easier to remember three minutes of dialogue than three hours.
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A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
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I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
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I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.
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The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
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I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.
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My father owned a small piece of land. He carried it with him wherever he went.
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When you work from city to city or country to country, you work the same way the working method is the same.
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Everything in life turns out to be a distraction from the real thing you want to do. There are a million distractions and when I was a kid I was very disciplined. I knew that the other kids weren't. I was the one able to do the thing, not because I had more talent, maybe less, but because they simply weren't applying themselves.
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I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields.
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Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.
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I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.
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Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
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I can't even make a leap of faith to believe in my own existence.
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My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
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A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.
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