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In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Humorous
California
Throw
Humor
Funny
Away
Garbage
Shows
Sarcastic
Make
Witty

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My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
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I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.
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Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
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All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.
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I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
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I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him.
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Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers.
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I write the script nobody sees it, not the people that put the money in the picture. I cast who I want, and make the film. That's why I've always felt the only thing standing between me and greatness, is me. There's no excuse for me not to be great except that I'm not.
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Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?
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I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.
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The chief problem about death ... is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought.
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Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.
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I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.
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It figures you've got to hate yourself if you've got any integrity at all.
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For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
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Of all human weakness obsession is the most dangerous. And the silliest.
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God, you Jews are truly exotic. Exotic? She should only know the Greenblatts. Or Mr. and Mrs. Milton Sharpstein, my father's friends. Or for that matter, my cousin Tovah. Exotic? I mean, they're nice, but hardly exotic with their endless bickering over the best way to combat indigestion or how far back to sit from the television set.
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Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.
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