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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
People
Funny
Universe
Science
Around
Find
Chinatown
Enough
Astounded
Hard
Metaphysics
Way
Humor

More quotes by Woody Allen

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Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious contribution.
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I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.
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Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
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Years ago I was on television having a discussion with Billy Graham about atheism. He was saying, even if you're right and I'm wrong, and there's nothing after, I will have had a better life than you, because I do believe there was something. And I couldn't argue with that, even though I wanted to.
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When I first started, there were writers that I looked up to that I felt very influenced by and very respectful toward their work and their opinion of my work.
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I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
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Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw.
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My Lord, my Lord! What hath Thou done lately?
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A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates.
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What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.
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I never thought I was doing anyone a favour by bringing children into the world. With people as cruel to each other as they are, it's a terrible proposition. The best of lives are sad and tragic. The best of them. My general conclusion is that it's not a nice thing to do. The world doesn't need it. The kid doesn't need it.
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Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
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Fantasy is only a state of mind that you can employ when existing in a real context.
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Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
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It's all through the actors I cannot write in that idiom
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There have been times when I've thought about it - but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.
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I am told the settlement of $5 million I am being paid is the largest amount ever paid under the New York right to privacy law
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Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
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Life is for the living.
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If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.
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