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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 88
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Funny
Death
Change
Believe
Life
Underwear
Bringing
Although
Religion

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My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
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I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I'm pale and I'm redheaded. I don't tan - I stroke!
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I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things-or who doesn't win them-you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
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I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
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Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual. It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
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This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't.
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Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
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I think it's my job or the artist's job, to try and find some solution or some reason to accept things. But given the grimmest reality, I feel the grimmest facts are the real facts, the true facts: that you're born, you die, you suffer, it's to no purpose, and you're gone forever, ever, ever, and that's it.
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What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.
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You are always a comedian by default. You are this way because you've been forced to be this way, but it is better to be the hero. So if you can be a persona, the great one of my lifetime of course was and is Marlon Brando.
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Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.
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My father owned a small piece of land. He carried it with him wherever he went.
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I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.
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This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
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Magic has always been of a great interest of mine. I was an amateur magician when I was young. I used to practice and read up on it a lot. I'm well-aware of the history of magic.
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Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.
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All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.
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