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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Make
Sarcastic
Figure
Figures
Poet
Tree
Probably
Nature
Bark
Hard
Sarcasm

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I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.
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I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.
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Life's hard, then you die.
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All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.
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I don't like to reminisce much, and my walls don't have photographs of me and the actors I was with, or any of that stuff... I try and keep that disciplined, and just work. There are so many traps you can get into, and looking back on your own work is certainly one of them.
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I don't wanna live on in my work. I wanna live on in my apartment.
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I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.
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Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
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You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.
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I'm twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.
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A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.
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[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.
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When you make the film, there's a big difference between when you're in your own home at the typewriter, and when you're standing on a mountain, or on a street corner, and buses are coming by-it's a different reality. You make a million changes that were never in the script, but that reality dictates.
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Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.
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. . . they confuse everything I do with my life.
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If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting
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Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.
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Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
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