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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen

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Woody Allen
Age: 89
Born: 1935
Born: December 1
Author
Character Actor
Clarinetist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Jazz Musician
Journalist
Musician
Playwright
The Bronx
New York City
Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Allen Stewart Konigsberg
Heywood Allen
Team
Funny
Make
Humour
Failed
Height
Chess
Comedy

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I cannot say for certain that God does not exist I think the worst thing that can be said about him is that he's a bit of an underachiever.
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I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
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Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything.
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I'm a creature of the New York City streets.
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I'd always wanted to be a dramatic. Comedy comes more naturally to me. I can do it with more facility. So I feel more comfortable with it.
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But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.
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My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
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My Lord, my Lord! What hath Thou done lately?
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Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
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A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates.
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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Ninety percent of life is just showing up.
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My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.
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Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
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The audience is making the film and not the film-maker.
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The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
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My heart says one thing. My head says another. Very hard to get your heart and head together in life.
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I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.
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