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There are two things I don't care how smart you are, you will never understand. One is an alienist's testimony, and the other is a railroad timetable.

Will Rogers

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Will Rogers
Age: 55 †
Born: 1879
Born: November 4
Died: 1935
Died: August 15
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Journalist
Politician
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Oologah
Oklahoma
William Penn Adair Rogers
William Rogers
Never
Railroads
Testimony
Smart
Modern
Understand
Two
Timetable
Care
Timetables
Things
Railroad

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But we can't alibi all our ills by just knocking the old banker. First he loaned the money, then the people all at once wanted it back, and he didn't have it. Now he's got it again, and is afraid to loan it, so the poor devil don't know what to do.
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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.
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I see where they are going to be more strict with these robbers when they catch 'em from now on, they're going to publish their names.
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The French couldn't hate us any more unless we helped 'em out in another war.
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She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.
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Some guy invented Vitamin A out of a carrot. I'll bet he can't invent a good meal out of one.
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All I know is just what I read in the Congressional Record. They have had some awful funny articles in there lately. As our government deteriorates, our humor increases.
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Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
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All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
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A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles.
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There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
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I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'
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You know you've got to exercise your brain just like your muscles.
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When you straddle a thing it takes a long time to explain it.
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There wasn't any more truth in over half of what any so-called orator said. If it wasn't a Deliberate Lie, why it was an Exaggerated Falsehood.
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With all our crime and all our immorality ... and about as much contentment and respose as a fresh-caged hyena, we go to tell the whole world: we are the only one with the right idea!
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This stuff they are talking here in Congress costs the people of the United States $44 a page. That's beside what it costs to ship it to the asylums where it's read.
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Old Hollywood is just like a desert water in Africa. Hang around long enough and every kind of animal in the world will drift in for refreshments.
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You should never try and teach a pig to read for two reasons. First, it's impossible and secondly, it annoys the hell out of the pig!.
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Never miss a chance to shut up
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