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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Comedians
Steal
Stealing
Comedian
Thou
Shalt

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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
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The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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I like children - fried.
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