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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Come
Colors
Thing
Curious
Things
Travel
World
Couple
Color
Wonderful
Hours
Assorted
Funny
Mighty

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Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
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Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
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The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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