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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Time
Sore
Think
Closing
Thinking
Ass
Church
Religion
Often
Hard
Long
More quotes by W. C. Fields
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. Fields
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. Fields
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
W. C. Fields
Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
W. C. Fields
I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
W. C. Fields
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. Fields
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
W. C. Fields
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. Fields
Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields
Some people are born losers others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. Fields
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
W. C. Fields
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.
W. C. Fields
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
W. C. Fields
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
W. C. Fields
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
W. C. Fields
