Quote

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Think
Closing
Thinking
Ass
Church
Religion
Often
Hard
Long
Time
Sore

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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
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Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Never work with animals or children.
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
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