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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
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Bank
Dinner
Week
Friends
Lasts
Last
President
Best
Thieves
More quotes by W. C. Fields
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
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If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
W. C. Fields
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
W. C. Fields
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
W. C. Fields
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. Fields
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W. C. Fields
