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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Pigeons
Pigs
Wings
Would

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You can't cheat an honest man.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
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I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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