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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Pigeons
Pigs
Wings
Would
More quotes by W. C. Fields
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
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I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
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You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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Some people are born losers others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. Fields
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
W. C. Fields
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
W. C. Fields
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields
