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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Would
Pigeons
Pigs
Wings
More quotes by W. C. Fields
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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I'm searching for loopholes.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him and it usually does.
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Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
W. C. Fields
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
W. C. Fields
