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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Nothing
Things
Like
Sex
Quite
Better

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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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Some people are born losers others acquire the knack gradually.
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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
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