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I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Take
Noise
Stand

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It's what you do that counts and not what you say therefore I fired my press agent.
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
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If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
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First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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Ain't fit for man nor beast
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
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Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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