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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Leprosy
Marriage
Easier
Better

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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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I drink therefore I am.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
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I like children. If they're properly cooked.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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