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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
People
Tree
Swinging
Days
Fried
Since
Claiming
Race
Screwed
Gone
Apes
Friends
Backward
Human
Trees
Stewed
Humans
Forward
Tattooed

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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I never drink water that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
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