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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Human
Trees
Stewed
Humans
Forward
Tattooed
People
Tree
Swinging
Days
Fried
Since
Claiming
Race
Screwed
Gone
Apes
Friends
Backward

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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
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The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Never work with animals or children.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him and it usually does.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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