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In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Years
Since
Gone
Running
Crowds
Away
Experiences
Home
Ten
Persons
Lifetime
Person
Average
Whole
Strange

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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
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I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
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I'm searching for loopholes.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
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Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.
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