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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Never
Cigar
Knives
Boxes
Balls
Income
Taxes
Anything
Thing
Juggle

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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
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I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
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Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
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