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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Anything
Thing
Juggle
Never
Cigar
Knives
Boxes
Balls
Income
Taxes

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Ain't fit for man nor beast
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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I never drink water that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I always made up my own acts built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields