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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Pipe
Drink
Food
Seen
Water
Way
Rusts
Pipes
Rust

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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
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I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
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