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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Pipes
Rust
Pipe
Drink
Food
Seen
Water
Way
Rusts
More quotes by W. C. Fields
Never work with animals or children.
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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
W. C. Fields
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
W. C. Fields
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
W. C. Fields
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. Fields
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. Fields
