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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Water
Way
Rusts
Pipes
Rust
Pipe
Drink
Food
Seen

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The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
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Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
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I drink therefore I am.
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
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I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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