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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Cigar
Nine
Never
Life
Smoked

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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I can do anything I want to do!
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
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I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
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It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore however, I'm not drinking any less either.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
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I like children. If they're properly cooked.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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