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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Cigar
Nine
Never
Life
Smoked

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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
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I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
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Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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I'm looking for loopholes.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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